Bringing Luggage:  A Tale of What To Pack, and What to Leave Behind

My husband is in China right now.  He is halfway around the world, teaching students tech that they can use to make life more interesting and fun.  It is a large campus where he is at, and so he has taken some advice to buy a scooter.

The question that came up was: what are you going to do with it when the trip is over? 

He could sell it, keep it at a fellow teacher's place for the next time he is out there, or .... bring it home.

Luggage is a funny thing.  It can be practical, like clothing and your toothbrush.  It can be fun, like souvenirs for family and friends.  No matter the size though, it means carrying something with you.  

We can often be caught carrying 'luggage' in our relationships.  The need to be right.  The need to critique.  The desire to have.... If we are not careful we can create a lot of luggage that would just get in the way of our relationship.

In fact, if we want to talk about Deadly Luggage, let's look at what John M. Gottman, PhD says in the book, 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work'.   He called them the Four Horsemen-- for good reason-- as having these prevalent makes for a rough marital experience.  

1.  Criticism.  Yes, it may have been done wrong, or even forgotten, but learning to complain vs criticise can help keep this horseman back.  Just making sure that the complaint is specific (I am upset.  You promised you would take out the trash last night, but it is still full.  Will you take out the trash before heading off to work?)    Spelling out the specifics (and avoiding all 'you always', 'you never' comments go a long way to keeping your marriage out of the mine-field of criticism.  (And yes, this is a great technique for many relationships, not just marriage!)

2. Contempt.  Ok, yes, you are AMAZING.  (Of, course!)  However, just because your strengths don't match someone else's strengths doesn't mean they aren't AMAZING, too.  Who says we all have to be the same to make things work?  When we can use words and body language that conveys respect towards one another, we also convey that we find building them up to be a valuable use of our time-- that we believe in investing in the relationship.  With that being said, treating each other with contempt creates some pretty hefty luggage to lug around.... so dropping that bundle of luggage A.S.A.P. saves a lot of energy and marital currency!

3. Defensiveness: 'defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner' according to Gottard.  Interesting view-- and one I didn't buy at first.  But let's walk through it: let's say you forgot to pick up milk from the store.  You get home, your spouse asks where the milk is.... and you respond with: "I forgot--  there is just so much on my plate right now, milk just seemed like a small thing."   Small thing to whom?  Yup, the other person.   Getting defensive never helps de-escalate a problem or a heated discussion, so it may be a good idea to chuck that luggage over the rail....

4. Stonewalling: This is where one partner tunes out.  Goes silent.  Becomes.... unapproachable.  Sound familiar?  It is not that uncommon, unfortunately.  It is a self-defence mechanism, but it doesn't help the overall situation.  Instead, it can often lead to more heated discussion from the other person.  And as for the stonewaller-- did you know that under stress, the brain functions are significantly reduced?  So, if it possible, don't let a discussion get to that point. Ditch that luggage (it might be a big one, too!) right away.  

Changing our status from 'single' to 'married'  gives us an opportunity to define what we are going to leave behind, and what we are choosing to bring with us-- kind of like the scooter.  It can be hard learning what is going to be helpful for the road ahead, and what we should leave behind, but the more we look at every moment as an opportunity to become stronger as a couple, those decisions on how to react, discuss problems, and live and grow together can become easier.  

As we go through life, we always have the option of choosing what to take with us.  Luggage is just that-- something we 'lug' around.  No need to bring the Deadly Luggage.  Instead, save your energy to bring the sweet memories-- and by avoiding the 4 Deadly Luggage Bags, you will have lots of those!